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Disclaimer: I’ve gone through this process twice with partners with whom I shared a decade long household with all the things you’d expect.

A lot of the advice I got was to focus on rebuilding myself. It half worked. The focus on the ability to operate independently and hold my own definitely did. But the bit that didn’t was to take a break from relationships altogether to avoid slugging others with a rebound situation.

My advice is to focus on this bit. Not necessarily on next relationship (very possibly that too) but rather, answering a simple question: “what is my next project going to be about?”

Walking out of a long termer that didn’t work out, you’ll probably have a lot of ideas what it won’t be about, and maybe the start of a thread re what you’d have liked it to be about. What matters to you. What your next one is definitely going to be about. What hill you’re prepared to die over.

For example, my first one was about following a formula the society gave us - get married, have 2.3 kids, a dog and a mortgage.

The second one was about saturating ourselves with fun and novelty… and it ended with my partner no longer finding that novelty at home and seeking it elsewhere.

The third one was about making people feel seen and safe at home.

Very different north stars, which attract very different people to them. What I found was that we hook up with very different people when we select based on what kind of project we aim to commit the rest of our life to building. Rebounding stops being a problem because our old partner simply isn’t fit or interested in building our new project. It’s for that reason we broke up!

And when we have clarity on what it is we’re trying to build, so long as we put ourselves in front of other prospective partners and talk with them - this clarity really helps find “our people”, avoids endless periods of dating, and shortens the orb to an equally keen and companion, who has just as much clarity and intent on this new (and hopefully lifetime-long) home/family project.

Work out what it is that matters to you and what your next project will be about.

I hope this helps.

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go do what you couldn't while you were together

Find someone new

Let yourself feel the feelings. Grieve, cry, be angry, whatever you need to do. If all you want to do is curl up on the couch and eat plain slices of bread for a week, do that. Take a little time off work if you can and want to.

If it's upsetting to see, get rid of the other person's stuff. If you're angry, print a few pictures of them to then tear up and burn. That kind of thing.

Don't do anything permanent, like throwing into the river their family heirloom that you found under the couch. Don't rip apart your bed because you both slept there (unless you can easily afford to replace it and will find this very satisfying). Don't lash out at them or their loved ones. But privately, feel it. Let it move through you. Be sad and sulky and prone to crying fits (when you're somewhere suitable) if that feels right. And when you start to feel a little better, start shifting your life back to normal. Daydream about what you want from life, maybe things you couldn't have before, and think about ways to get there.

And be gentle with yourself all the while. This is one of the hardest experiences most people will ever have. It's really, really hard.

Best wishes to you!

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Pace yourself. Get a new plant. Get a new pet. Process. Avoid trying to "replace" what is gone. Instead be patient before discovering "something new".

What helped me was starting some stuff with friends, dating some women and focusing on myself. Getting back in shape, working out. Even work helped a lot. Its okay to suffer and feel down, but only for some time. Don't get dragged down into some permanent depressive mood. Focus on living and enjoying life for yourself. Try to be happy and do things that make you happy. Its been 8 thrown away years back then for me. Dunno if this counts as long term for you, but for me it does. Now I am married and have two healthy and beautiful children and all I can say is that it was somehow meant to come this way. These 8 years and the end of this era belong to the path that lead me to where I am and although it was hard, its okay now. You deserve to be happy again and you will be happy again. Don't make your wellbeing dependent on a partnership you just lost. Just do stuff with your friends and find new friends along the way. Hope this makes sense

Thank you for this.

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