A man walks into a bar and asks for the bill

Submitted by Queasy_Doughnut7507 t3_116kf8e in Jokes

The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn't order anything.

The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.

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feitiuk t1_j96yi20 wrote

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he is drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, ‟Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, ‟No, what?” ‟He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!” says the bartender. ‟Yeah, that does not surprise me,” replies the patron. ‟He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I‘ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he is in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. ‟Did you see what your monkey did now?” ‟Now what?” asks the patron. ‟Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

‟Yeah, that doesn‘t surprise me,” replies the patron. ‟He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

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peter_the_martian t1_j97529o wrote

A priest walks into a bar. And the bartender says hey if you’re looking for little boys … the priest interrupts him and says he’s actually not a priest and he rips off his mask and it’s actually the bartenders mother who then orders a rum and coke.

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jrtts t1_j97leut wrote

The animals were wondering if that plasterer job offer by the circus is still available

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svn380 t1_j98alqk wrote

Replying to feitiuk (#1,873,311)

This is basically the same joke that my father learned as a boy in Amsterdam a century ago!

In the old version, it's a monkey with a peach who tries out the size of the pit before putting back into the peach and eating it.

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Nonner_Party t1_j98i9d5 wrote

"Oh, well in that case, it's over there with the duck."

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Quick-Bad t1_j98krvz wrote

A blind man walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and he says, "hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bartender says, "now hold on just a second. Before you start telling this joke, there are a few things you oughtta know first. First, I'm blonde. Second, the off-duty cop to your left is blonde. Third, the karate instructor to your right is blonde. And finally, the biker gang seated behind you are all blondes. Now, keeping that in mind, are you sure you want to tell us this joke?"

The blind man replies, "not if I have to explain it a bunch of times."

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Whitecamry t1_j98pssd wrote

Are you sure you didn't steal this one from "The Aristocrats"?

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shadowwulf-indawoods t1_j994sxm wrote

Replying to feitiuk (#1,873,311)

I first read that joke about 25 years ago. I was way short on sleep, and I read it, pictured the monkey straining, and laughed until tears rolled down my checks. It still brings a smile just based on that memory.

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UberWilly t1_j9975qm wrote

Am I actually stupid? I don't get it.

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Material_Plankton_37 t1_j99c7k1 wrote

Here is your bill sir -But this is my wife's bill. I don't drink cosmopolitans. -That's roughly what she said.

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HolyGonzo t1_j99h242 wrote

Replying to Mental_Cut8290 (#1,880,675)

If his "I"s sound like "ah"s, then the blind guy was offering to tell a blind joke, not a blonde joke. The blondes misunderstand, but then he makes a blonde joke at the end anyway.

Just a variation to add a misdirection before the punchline, but I guess people didn't appreciate or get it.

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QuirkyPrimary9046 t1_j99pt12 wrote

Why did the blond stare at the bottle of orange juice for 1 hour? Answer : because it said concentrate

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Necessary-Outcome t1_j99upbx wrote

A panda bear walked into a bar, ordered a burger, ate it, pulled out a gun and shot up the bottles behind the bar and walks out. The barman runs after the bear shouting WTF dude who is going to pay for all this? The panda turns around and says I'm a Panda bear. A panda eats shoots and leaves...

I'll get my coat --> 🧥

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funja47 t1_j9adp0t wrote

Who's bill is he paying for

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karimamin t1_j9agpb1 wrote

A man walks into a bar. Can someone call an ambulance?

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leuk_he t1_j9akxwd wrote

A bear walks into a bar. Bartender says, “You want to watch the Cubs?” Bear says, “Do you have a secret camera in my house!? Is my family okay!? What do you want from me!?”

The elephant ordered a gin and tonic and the bartender said ‘ok, that will be $23.’ After a few minutes the bartender said, ‘y’know, we don’t get many elephants in here.’ The elephant said, ‘with these prices I can see why.’

A monkey walks into a bar and ask the bartender for bananas...“DO YOU HAVE BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey. “No... we don’t...?” answer the bartender, confused. “DO YOU BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey once again “No. We don’t. I told you that” “DOOO YOOOU HAVE BANANAAAS ?!?!?!” ask the monkey again. Upset, the bartender answer “NO. WE. DO. NOT. HAVE. BANANAS. Ask ONE MORE TIME and I will NAIL your tongue to the bar!”

Scared and sad, the monkey goes to a nearby table and wait a few minutes.

Then, he looks at the bartender, “Do you have nails...?” “Hmm, no...” “THEN DO YOU HAVE BANANAS?!?!?!”

A man walks into a bar with his pet tiger

The bar keep says "Fuck no, get out!"

A man walks out of the bar with his pet tiger cause it's a bar not a fucking zoo.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls.

He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this."

There is dead silence in the bar and than a hand goes up in the back and a blond girl comes forward and says, "I'll give it a shot, just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."

============

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I like the doctor doctor jokes more, but in a USA forum that bill would not be realistic...

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ErenYeager850 t1_j9avjgg wrote

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a pint of beer After he is done, he asks the bartender "How much?" The bartender replies "For you , No charge"

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heatedundercarriage t1_j9bawk9 wrote

How does a debt collector compliment a duck? He says, “sir, you have an outstandinggg bill”

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QuirkyPrimary9046 t1_j9edmoe wrote

Man runs into the bar pointing his shotgun at everyone inside and replies "i wanna know who's screwing around with my wife"? The bartender calmly saids " you better bring more bullets my friend".

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QuirkyPrimary9046 t1_j9eisjn wrote

Blonde wife gets home from work and catches her husband in bed with another woman. She calmly walks to the dresser cabinet and pulls out a 357 magnum and puts it to her temple. Right before she pulls the trigger she tells him "your next".

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