An engineer dies and goes up to heaven.

Submitted by MadisonPearGarden t3_11cyipt in Jokes

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into heaven?" St. Peter says "Look I don't make the rules, you're not on the list, that means you go to hell."

The engineer goes down to hell and introduces himself, gets to know the devil and says "Hey I could make a few changes to make things more comfortable down here." He installs a state-of-the-art air conditioning system and all of a sudden it's a pleasant 68 degrees F in Hell. God looks down and realizes he must have made a mistake and given St Peter the wrong list.

God says to the Devil, send me back that engineer. I made a mistake, he belongs in heaven. The devil says forget about it, this guy's great, I'm not giving him up. God says "Oh yeah? You send him back up right now, or I'll sue!"

The devil says to God "Oh yeah? And where are YOU gonna get a lawyer?"

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Comments

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bektrip t1_ja5q5se wrote

as a lawyer, I can confirm that His infernal majesty owns us all.

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MadisonPearGarden OP t1_ja5srnl wrote

Well… everyone is entitled to a defense!

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Cybear_Tron t1_ja7gkgv wrote

I'd hate to be the Devil's Advocate....

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jepeplin t1_ja92zn2 wrote

As a lawyer married to an engineer, I can confirm this is all true.

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RaiseOutside8472 t1_ja80xqh wrote

no the lawyer of heaven life's in the biggest mansion there. because there is only 1 lawyer but there is so many priests and ministers they have to life in shacks. other joke.

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Killersmurph t1_ja8yuzm wrote

You might be able to scrounge up a public defender or 3 on the otherside, or maybe a human rights lawyer, but nobody who is actually going to successfully argue a case...

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Truthful_Azn t1_ja6pu4w wrote

R/jokes is so eco friendly that we recycle 100% of the same jokes over and over.

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Equivalent_Rock_6530 t1_ja70g11 wrote

Damn, that's a joke in and of itself, well done.

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sintakks t1_ja844w8 wrote

What are you talking about? Of all the jokes about lawyers being all in Hell, this is the first time I've ever heard this particular one.

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YourFaveG1rl t1_ja7eaz1 wrote

r/foundthemobileuser

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gin_and_toxic t1_ja6ruo6 wrote

Huh, the Hell uses Fahrenheit. Should've known...

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rckchkhwk t1_ja761ac wrote

Yes, Hell is in America. I believe it's located in Florida right now but it could be Texas

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rckchkhwk t1_ja60zfs wrote

If he gave St. Peter the wrong list then there is a possibility that lawyers on the wrong list made it in

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PePziNL t1_ja6zazh wrote

Found the lawyer

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Tschib-Tschab t1_ja9ccqx wrote

If we add, that he got handed the wrong list for the day or his shift, we can drastically reduce that number.

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nlmf t1_ja63upq wrote

The problem with this joke is,why would the devil want to make it more comfortable for people in hell?

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rvgoingtohavefun t1_ja687uf wrote

Because the devil is uncomfortable and causes everyone to suffer along with him because a whiny selfish asshole.

If the devil wasn't so goddamn uncomfortable, maybe he'd be nicer.

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15mg_MaleNurse_STAT t1_ja6sxoy wrote

Because its not the devil that makes hell horrible, its God. God sends all the people he doesnt like, lile those who mix two kinds of fabrics, or children who tease the bald, to hell.

Satan just lives there, hes chill. He wouldnt want to torture anyone but set them free from tyranny

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amerkanische_Frosch t1_ja6yjtc wrote

Actually OT doesn’t have Hell (or Satan for that matter).

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Morthra t1_ja74wbc wrote

Eh, Satan exists in the OT - the Hebrew root for Satan means “adversary” - but not as a jailer of the damned type deal. Satan is just a role that a being takes to test people’s faith.

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ManyAd790 t1_ja8gowg wrote

I HATE THE ANTICHRIST! I HATE THE ANTICHRIST! I HATE THE ANTICHRIST! I HATE THE ANTICHRIST! I HATE THE ANTICHRIST! I HATE THE ANTICHRIST! I HATE THE ANTICHRIST! I HATE THE ANTICHRIST! I HATE THE ANTICHRIST! I HATE THE ANTICHRIST! I HATE THE ANTICHRIST! I HATE THE ANTICHRIST! I HATE THE ANTICHRIST! I HATE THE ANTICHRIST!

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The_Halfmaester t1_ja6gugs wrote

"Why would the devil punish you? You're one of his boys! Don't think all the drugs and hookers are going to make their way to heaven..."

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Frydendahl t1_ja74k7t wrote

The Devil is in Hell to be punished as well?

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Different-Result-859 t1_jabog5s wrote

Devil just reminding them what they are missing out on. Air conditioning once a decade for 10 minutes.

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No_Grocery_1480 t1_ja7jono wrote

No, the problem with the joke is - if God gave Peter the wrong list, then lawyers should have accidentally gone to heaven.

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Western-Image7125 t1_ja6iatj wrote

Typical behavior from god - wait till you prove you are useful to his will somehow and only then you get eternal salvation

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KordovaJD t1_ja6q3p6 wrote

As a lawyer, this is one of my favorite lawyer jokes.

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MadisonPearGarden OP t1_ja6y07r wrote

The irony is most of the comments from lawyers have been like your comment "LOL classic." Most of the comments from engineers have been "engineers in my field don't do AirCon, this isn't funny."

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Yandrosloc01 t1_ja6r9r5 wrote

My favorite is what the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.

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ShockerDog t1_ja7c3z0 wrote

And let’s be real. The engineer didn’t install Shit. They just speculated how it should be installed.

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Puzzleheaded_Emu9884 t1_ja5sel6 wrote

I don’t get it?

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samo1366 t1_ja5sygs wrote

There’s no lawyers in heaven.

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Puzzleheaded_Emu9884 t1_ja5thhs wrote

Oh, that’s it?

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MadisonPearGarden OP t1_ja5tmi0 wrote

Lawyers all go to hell

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No-Big2893 t1_ja6olo7 wrote

Alternatively it could be that God switched Engineers with Lawyers so suddenly heaven was swamped. Its kinda funny either way.

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chaingun_samurai t1_ja6nfug wrote

Why don't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

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SuzyLouWhoo t1_ja8vyzc wrote

A couple dies in a car crash just weeks before their wedding. When they get to heaven, they ask St. Peter, “can we get married here in heaven?”

He says “hmmmmm…. Let me look I to it”

For days, weeks, months, they pester him but the answer is always the same. “I’m looking into it”

Until finally one day 2 years later St Peter approaches the couple and says they may get married. They have a beautiful ceremony, and are very happy.

For about 50 years.

Now they’re sick to death of each other, and they once again go to St Peter: “Can we get a divorce in heaven?”

To which he exclaims: “It took me two years to find a priest up here!! It’s going to take forever to find a lawyer!!”

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oldkicker53 t1_ja9i3gh wrote

Bride and groom to be are killed in separate car wrecks on the way to the ceremony. Off to heaven they go. They meet Saint Peter and ask if he can arrange for them to get married in heaven. “Let me see what I can do”, Saint Pete says. After what seems like an eternity the couple ask Saint Peter what the status of their request is. “Be patient” is his only reply. Ages go by and go by and the couple repeatedly ask Saint Peter for an update. “Be patient.” Finally they ask and Saint Peter says that they can get married. They have a lovely ceremony and settle into heavenly married bliss. But it doesn’t last and they just can’t stand each other after a while.

They go back to Saint Peter to ask about a heavenly divorce. Pete blows his top, “You saw how long it took to find a priest up here and now you want me to find a lawyer?!?!”

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Antique_Direction255 t1_ja5ukay wrote

Let’s kill all the lawyers, let’s kill them tonight.

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dgm42 t1_ja6e3ci wrote

The line "Let's kill all the lawyers" comes from a Shakespeare play and is spoken by the villain. It can be interpreted as praise for lawyers because the first thing the villain wants to do when he takes over i get rid of lawyers. Implying that lawyers protect society.

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Jamessteve29 t1_ja70dt4 wrote

He will surely have golden contract there

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Vast_Cricket t1_ja6m0dk wrote

At least god knows the engineer can change the world.

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BEERnHOES t1_ja7zybd wrote

If he had the wrong list maybe he has a few now

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EpiZirco t1_ja73bkg wrote

I always knew that the devil must be the one who sets all the air conditioners to 68 F.

When it’s 95 outside, I don’t want to have to dress like it is January.

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Fit_Wolverine7706 t1_ja753md wrote

I am an Engineer and Was planning on sending this to my colleagues but the punchline ruins it for me.

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MadisonPearGarden OP t1_ja8h2ov wrote

The fact that you had to jump on this thread to add useless information about a canceled project proves you are an engineer

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Oshwaflz t1_ja75f3j wrote

i feel like you could say "did you hear about satan?" "no" "yeah apparently he realized hes above the law because he owns the soul of every half decent lawyer" or something to make it shorter

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creydth t1_ja7iyaw wrote

I went to the studio to record a song about my life story,since morning we've been crying with the producer

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elegantwino t1_ja839tp wrote

Oftentimes reading a joke for the 15th time I still chuckle. This joke is past it’s prime. Please stop reposting.

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MadisonPearGarden OP t1_ja8gs4v wrote

Oftentimes reading a dour comment I still chuckle. Please keep shitposting.

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Far_Sentence3700 t1_ja86wg3 wrote

So where did they buy the air conditioner? Hell is not just a hot place. Its a place where you're punished for your wrong doing.

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BrahmduttFFXI t1_ja8jbrs wrote

I thought this was gona go differently, freaking engineers put bolts behind non related things that have to be disassembled just cause

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DRSteelers t1_ja8ksyi wrote

Surely, there are SOME lawyers in heaven!

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vdhaesek t1_ja8nass wrote

This joke is too much freedom per bald eagle for a European to be funny

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Fewdoit t1_ja904o8 wrote

So good 😂

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Luke_low t1_jaas3a8 wrote

Is the joke, that Lawyers don't "go to heaven?"

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BeginningUnique6401 t1_ja8psud wrote

I don't get it explain please

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[deleted] t1_ja5q50n wrote

[deleted]

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MadisonPearGarden OP t1_ja5sn72 wrote

Never said civil engineer. Marine engineers do AC and power. So do stationary engineers. Maybe aircraft engineers too. Never said civil lol.

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Wolfman_HCC t1_ja669yy wrote

God doesn't make mistakes.

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32lib t1_ja6al6s wrote

Well he made me,so there’s that…

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vehino t1_ja6gr3q wrote

This joke doesn't make any sense because the devil is bound by the will of the Lord and cannot directly challenge him. God is also all mighty and can release any soul from hell that he wants even though he wouldn't because his judgement is perfect so he wouldn't send someone down there if they didn't deserve it. God is also the creator of all laws and wouldn't require a lawyer of his own because any argument that he would make would be flawless in its logic and absolutely perfect. Could you please rewrite this joke in a way that reflects the Majesty of the alpha and Omega and isnt offensive to those who truly believe in him? Belief in Christ and his victory over Satan is Paramount to living a good life and adherence to his values is the only way to guarantee that we will be born again in the next life and not cast off into eternal darkness to burn forever in unending flame, so it would be really helpful if you would help spread this message.

Thank you in advance and remember God loves you! :)

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[deleted] t1_ja6i9gu wrote

[deleted]

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[deleted] t1_ja6mbks wrote

[deleted]

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SpicyC-Dot t1_ja6mof2 wrote

Eh you lost the thread a bit with this comment, makes it too obvious you’re trolling

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theperfectneonpink t1_ja6ol4m wrote

I started to think they were trolling when I read that “paramount” was capitalized.

Oh. It’s an ad.

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vehino t1_ja6t9rr wrote

I was using voice to text. It's weird, it capitalizes random words.

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vehino t1_ja6tecx wrote

Eh, deleting unpopular comments is like that anime about the kid who goes back in time whenever someone kills him. An automatic reset!

1