Submitted by OwenJthomas89 t3_10mu8yr in Jokes
They said “Oh different mother or different father?” And I said “Niether, there was a shark attack”
Comments
inthegallery t1_j66el15 wrote
I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
YoungIndustrialMan t1_j688hks wrote
And yet he raised me all the same
winterchill_ew t1_j67nah4 wrote
I have a second cousin, twice removed. He keeps coming back
NoFaithlessness5122 t1_j65x33k wrote
I found mine in the cabinet
Bitter-Farmer3746 t1_j679uuy wrote
I found mine in the attic
After 18 years…!
Excellent-Bowler86 t1_j66wwz4 wrote
I hope he’s all right.
Being a lefty is tough
Turbo_Putt t1_j67xem2 wrote
You got that right!
R34p3rXm4l1K t1_j6chwuu wrote
Happy cake day!
Turbo_Putt t1_j6dkozi wrote
Hey, thank you very much!!!
plipplipplipplipplip t1_j68yabx wrote
One doctor said he was alright, but the other said there wasn't much left.
TAway69420666 t1_j658bqr wrote
One time I was renting a kayak and an old man sitting nearby told me to be careful, he once had a cousin who went kayaking and got run over by a boat and chopped right in half
Waitsfornoone t1_j66ab9o wrote
What a pleasant thought to start your kayak journey with. Bet this old guy is a hoot at parties.
OlDustyHeadaaa t1_j66y00c wrote
I was expecting this to be the superior joke you usually find in the comments. My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined.
Akaizzeesmom t1_j67czfi wrote
So he was a cousin once removed then?
jetty_junkie t1_j6570kd wrote
I have a father out-law. My wife’s father is wanted in 3 states
Brief-Lingonberry860 t1_j677u0b wrote
Our pre-wedding celebration was called “In-laws & Outlaws” because a heap of our guests were bikers and other fun people.
I made up a flyer/invite with a big banner heading, mainly to annoy the crap out of my wife’s dad. She didn’t get along with him, (no one else does either) but he was trying to push fancy wedding that would impress a few of his rich business associates. So we had a party (sort of like a hens night/bucks party) and announced to everyone that we were going to piss off to Vegas to get married.
jetty_junkie t1_j657ba2 wrote
I have a first cousin once removed. He was deported several years ago
SirThatsCuba t1_j67kgn9 wrote
I've had some body parts removed and I use this joke when I'm feeling afraid. "honey, I'm sorry I'm only 84.2% of a man."
zozzlhandler t1_j67nb7o wrote
Like my friend, Bob Robinson. He had several artificial parts. He used to introduce himself: "Gidday, I'm Bob Robinson - mostly."
Luked0g44O t1_j67pbc5 wrote
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’d just arrest the bulb for being broke, and beat the living shit out of the room for being dark.
texaschair t1_j66y9cd wrote
"Candygram."
Psy__Ops t1_j66n5ad wrote
Which half?
joeinsyracuse t1_j67gtlo wrote
Left half. He’s all right now.
Psy__Ops t1_j6bftqs wrote
Or he's "half right"
-AKA-Shadow-Storm t1_j679spe wrote
My grand father was a swinger.
He hung himself in the garage.
Luked0g44O t1_j67pjkp wrote
I went on this blind date once.
I just couldn’t see dating her again after that.
FooJenkins t1_j6727p9 wrote
WRONG KID DIED
jlionbad t1_j686zx2 wrote
I asked him what happened and he just said: "You don't know the half of it."
TerribleDinosaur t1_j69rd6r wrote
I have a half brother and a half sister. Same person
ChildProdigyRho t1_j6atnvk wrote
A kid with a penis and a vagina or just non-binary?
mybrainisntbraining t1_j6bo83k wrote
First thing I thought of was Marco from aot
Creepyisdeadly2 t1_j6722v6 wrote
r/twosentencehorrorstories
A_Beautiful_Brain t1_j655z82 wrote
I have a step dad He lives under the stairs