I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

Submitted by AdeptLengthiness8886 t3_10l5xa8 in Jokes

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab" I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?". "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him. "I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab" I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue. "How much to the station ?". "$5" said the driver. "Ok" I said "Let's go" As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face!!

5,792

Comments

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furiousfurret t1_j5verad wrote

Reminds me of the time I itch a ride with a truck Driver. He had a small monkey and said " watch this" and he slapped the chimp behind the head and it started to give him a blowjob. He then ask me if I wanted to try it. I said ok but dont slap me too hard.

1,492

Steenies t1_j5xojzw wrote

I thought this joke may be better than ops but I must inform you that chimps are not monkeys. It saddens me to see them referred as such and it is my mission in life to inform all of this important fact.

44

zen-shen t1_j5y04u4 wrote

BUT are there any differences in blowjob techniques between chimps and monkeys?

28

KhunDavid t1_j5yo10b wrote

From what I’ve read about chimps, during the blow job by the chimp, your dick would be violently ripped off of you by its teeth.

6

[deleted] t1_j5yxdmq wrote

Thanks Joe Rogan for that stirring mental image

3

jjbugman2468 t1_j5zou8n wrote

Ah I heard this one but with Putin, a whore, and Trump lol

18

MrMark77 t1_j5wgfni wrote

I think the funniest bit was the taxi driver who said "I'm not having any of that".

737

Skilledpainter t1_j5x3f2g wrote

Lmao, yeah he didn't actually say no. He could've been talking about the money

201

Yoraffe t1_j5xrf5j wrote

In England "I'm not having any of that" essentially means "I've had enough of this behaviour" so they're angry and are insulted. It absolutely means a strong no here.

189

---ShineyHiney--- t1_j5xugda wrote

It means the same thing here in the US too. It’s just not a cool, “young” phrase, so they’re ignoring that fact for internet one-liners

79

bereved t1_j5wurqb wrote

You like that? What kind of guy are you are?

−166

DE_OG_83 t1_j5x5wnx wrote

Possibly a guy that likes blowjobs. I hear they’re not that uncommon in 2023.

65

bereved t1_j5x7qr9 wrote

I guess none of y’all have heard of the cinco urinal shower

−74

WildBoy-72 t1_j5wqb10 wrote

You said "the queue at the taxi rank". Then you said "$5".

Where is this taking place?

251

82PKOrpheus t1_j5wrk2o wrote

It's obviously the United Kingdoms of America!

231

NerdDwarf t1_j5x57wy wrote

The United State of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

24

rootbeerman77 t1_j5x0c3q wrote

Could be Singapore, they use both queue and $

63

cegr76 t1_j5x72as wrote

BJs in Singapore cost way more than $5.

23

Dunge0nMast0r t1_j5x6sx3 wrote

when is this taking place?

27

morerobotsplease t1_j5wr78w wrote

A lot of places have a designated area where licensed taxis must wait in line to pick up passengers. If you want a taxi, you go to the area and go to the taxi at the front of the line.

21

PeteyMax t1_j5wzm8z wrote

I think it's the price tag he's objecting to, not the taxi stand!

7

yirzmstrebor t1_j5x0mf9 wrote

Pretty sure it's the fact that dollars are American currency, but "queue" isn't commonly used in American English. We don't believe in putting that many silent letters in a word.

11

lysalnan t1_j5xl86x wrote

Dollars aren’t just American lots of countries use dollars to name their currency.

4

other_usernames_gone t1_j5xx622 wrote

Wait, what do you use? You must have the concept of a queue right? It would explain a lot of you didn't but there's no way.

Edit: forgot about line

3

Fire-Tigeris t1_j5zn935 wrote

queue is the letter Q in long line with a bunch of silent letters.

1

Mag-NL t1_j5xptd8 wrote

Dollars are not American.currency only though it's used in many places. More importantly nobody said dollar in the joke, they used the symbol $. This symbol does not mean dollar exclusively (let alone US dollar) but is used for other currencies as well.

2

ben9187 t1_j5ymxqv wrote

Maybe it was in canada? We use queue and $.

2

Evil_Creamsicle t1_j5z93e3 wrote

nah, if it was Canada then when the taxi driver cut the guy off he'd have yelled "Soory!" out the window

1

Evil_Creamsicle t1_j5z9awr wrote

I think its not the fact that these exist, but more what words are being used to describe them, that is being commented on.

1

morerobotsplease t1_j5zb0t2 wrote

Ah, I see. I didn't think exact location was important for the joke to be funny so my mind went another direction.

1

Evil_Creamsicle t1_j5zdyni wrote

nah, you're right, it isn't. I didn't really think about it either.

1

kyeblue t1_j5wthcf wrote

taxi queue is common in NYC.

9

JainaRepellista t1_j5x046o wrote

I think the commenter meant that in America most people would call it a line rather than a queue.

9

MembersClubs t1_j62qyen wrote

As an American, I would call it a "taxi queue" or "taxi stand". I haven't heard "taxi line", that just sounds weird.

1

Pleasant-Salad9668 t1_j5xtilg wrote

If it was in NYC he would know the going rate for a blowjob by the time he got through the queue.

3

Mag-NL t1_j5xr76x wrote

I guess you think you're smart, but this question shows your ignorance. The symbol $ is used in many places. The symbol $ does not mean dollar. The symbol $ absolutely does not mean US dollar.

The word queu is an English word, not commonly used in the USA but used in countries that use $ as their currency symbol.

Most importantly, many countries that use $ as their currency symbol do not have English as their first language. This could well be translated.

2

Famous-Tension6534 t1_j5zltps wrote

Anywhere but USA that has a dollar currency. New Zealand, Australia, Namibia, Hong Kong, Singapore, or Trinidad and Tobago, to name just a few.

The language in all of these places (for the English speakers there) would be to 'queue for a hundred dollar cheque'. And the date on the cheque would be 9 March 2023 (9/03/23).

1

thomask1989 t1_j5xjlmy wrote

I like how this is more of a practical joke / prank. Reminds me of this:

You walk into a random store and act all excited. You ask someone: ‘Quick, what year is it?!’ They say: ‘Ehmm 2023, why?’ And then you just run out of the store screaming: ‘It worked! It worked! I can’t believe it fucking worked!’

Maybe wear some 80s clothes for a real Back to the future vibe

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RandoCalrissian11 t1_j5ybvwg wrote

Instead of saying it worked, you then ask “have they arrived yet?” Implying aliens are about to make contact.

14

ApatheticZero187 t1_j5yie8h wrote

I think I'd go for more of a Terminator vibe... implying a threat from the future... then you could also run into the store naked.

8

Macca49 t1_j5wvef0 wrote

Best one was from Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back when the hitchhiker gets in the truck lol

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dje1964 t1_j5wzqwp wrote

George Carlin

"If it gets me a few miles down the road, I'll take a shot in the mouth"

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BillyMackBlack t1_j5xj11q wrote

"Gay, straight, it's all the same these days"

13

dje1964 t1_j5y88se wrote

I think the gay community has a lot of fun

I just can't get past the "Sex with men" thing

I have to draw the line somewhere

Edit:. So I get down voted because I don't want to have sex with men. I didn't say you couldn't. Just expressing my personal preference

But I guess that isn't allowed anymore

10

dingbust_toteypooh t1_j5ytym1 wrote

Absolutely…..that’s because “what was once called evil, is now called good…and what was once called good…is now called evil”.

2

Sleepycoon t1_j5zaz1l wrote

The amount of conjecture in the replies to this based solely off of a few downvotes is hilarious.

Maybe the far left mob isn't coming after you for being straight; maybe a few people just didn't get your joke, or got it but didn't think it was funny?

2

ApatheticZero187 t1_j5yjg5q wrote

I being male and having an interest in vagina can also attest to the fact that getting down voted for enjoying the company of the opposite sex is apparently the way things are handled now. Soon straightness will be a crime.

0

dje1964 t1_j5yldz1 wrote

So back in the late 70's and early 80's when I was a strong supporter of equal rights for all and the Democrat party still didn't want any part of gays I was considered part of the "Looney Left".

Now, because I don't want to have sex with someone with a dick, I am considered a homophobic right winger

Funny thing is, nothing about my political philosophy has changed

5

ApatheticZero187 t1_j5zdl6c wrote

Oh what a strange world we live in. Growing up, I couldn't care one way or the other what some ones preference was. I just figured that if guys were into guys, that left more women for guys like me who liked women. Then one night while I was at a dance club jamming to some techno, the girl I was dancing with ask me what my preference was. I said I was into women and she responded... "Me too"... still not sure where that was headed as she vanished not too long after that.... hmmm

1

dje1964 t1_j60i7q2 wrote

I am the lead bouncer at a gay club. Get along great with the owners as well as many of the drag queens

I get invited to many events as a guest instead as a bouncer. Problem is there is a small minority that won't accept boundaries. This is not a hit on gays it is a hit on guys. I see the same thing on ladies nights. Guys come in there and think they can hit on lesbians when the girls come there specifically to avoid people like that. When I pull them out for not respecting boundaries they almost always say the same thing

"You must be gay"

"Maybe, do you really want to go home and tell your friends you got your ass kicked by a f****t"

1

HopPros t1_j5zglsk wrote

Yes losing a few fake internet points definitely makes you a victim on par with the hundreds of years of queer people being murdered for their sexuality. So sorry for your loss

2

ApatheticZero187 t1_j61avk4 wrote

And you should presume to know my life and what I've been through so as to pin that on me? You can blame me for being straight because obviously I was single handedly the source of all of it. May as well blame me for the mass slaughter of native Americans when the white man moved west. I was plotting that and traveled back in time to commit these atrocities. Behold my awesomeness as a super villain who is into females...

1

Evil_Creamsicle t1_j5z9wb7 wrote

Yeah people (as in, like, the human collective) like to overcorrect.

"THese people were discriminated against for a while, that's super awful!"

'yes, I agree. Let's treat everyone equally.'

"Nooooo we have to discriminate against these other people now!"

0

Evil_Creamsicle t1_j5z9jk4 wrote

"There's no more lines!"

*points at yellow line in street*
"Well right there's a line, and on this side, we ain't gay!"

1

YesFuture2022 t1_j5xtu2v wrote

What is it?

4

northwoods74 t1_j5y3yrj wrote

A 2001 Kevin Smith movie, but that’s not important right now.

17

Maynard078 t1_j5yaib3 wrote

Surely you can't be serious.

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CKBear t1_j5yfmhx wrote

I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley

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Maynard078 t1_j638itu wrote

::sheepishly backs away and closes cockpit door::

1

gingerreckoning t1_j5wzgnz wrote

I think this would work better as a skit than a written joke

33

Dazzling_Sea4443 t1_j5xbd9j wrote

It does because it’s actually a movie scene from a German movie called Keinohrhase

29

blobblet t1_j5yjnlw wrote

And for decades before that movie came out, this was told as a joke.

2

sherriffflood t1_j5w9nwk wrote

I’d like to see a modern version of ‘Taxi Driver’ where he’s an Uber driver and Iris has an onlyfans account

31

gthrees t1_j5x2sbh wrote

I actually tried this, but the first cab driver said five dollars which was already in my hand, so how can I refuse?

17

HairyFeature5225 t1_j5yk73d wrote

I remember the punchline like "ok, I'll give you 10$, but you have to go slow and wave your colleagues while we pass by."

9

rootetoot t1_j5yrnyp wrote

Why did I picture Borat in the back of the taxi?

5

LavaPoppyJax t1_j5womgp wrote

Read this here recently but it was better written because it gave a revenge motive up front.

4

PokemonGamer2020 t1_j5wv6xa wrote

I don't get it

3

Dense-Memory4478 t1_j5xrpby wrote

The customer created the impression to other taxi drivers that the last taxi driver agreed to a blow job

16

Both_Ad7992 t1_j5wy4nj wrote

Basically, all the other drivers he did ask about the blowjob will think the taxi driver he left with accepted the offer.

12

dje1964 t1_j5wzzst wrote

Hush. Don't give up the secret. He will tell his friends

−4

Vast-Support-1466 t1_j5wzgtk wrote

What offer? This joke, as written, is not funny.

−14

Rakgul t1_j5xv1ba wrote

It is.

4

Vast-Support-1466 t1_j5y8lq8 wrote

How and Why?

0

_lazy_lullabies_ t1_j5yv8on wrote

3,651 people thought it was funny. Sorry it’s not made to your standards

2

Vast-Support-1466 t1_j6014k0 wrote

How and why is it funny? Is that a hard question to answer?

1

_lazy_lullabies_ t1_j60lgw2 wrote

Because it’s a joke? If you don’t find it funny then fine. I’m not gonna try and explain it to you when I’m pretty sure you can read

1

TomAto314 t1_j5zt66s wrote

I don't really get it either. So he tricked some random taxi drivers into thinking someone took up his blowjob offer. Ok...

It might be a funny story if you did it in real life but as just a joke not much there.

1

Vast-Support-1466 t1_j601kpb wrote

Honestly, the only way it's funny as-is if it's written that he's "blowing past" the other taxis.

Amazing no one has picked up on that!

1

wildcharmander1992 t1_j5yalrx wrote

Personally think the joke would be better if you didn't say

>first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?"

They all should've been "how much for a blowjob" only as from a joke standpoint it gives the punchline away and you're just waiting for it to be said

But also logically if those drivers got out there taxis and said "big Dave is gonna give that lad a blowjob" the First guy would go "tbf he asked me how much it would be to go to the station first so maybe it's that" completely ruining the 'joke' anyways

3

Evil_Creamsicle t1_j5zaqec wrote

Right. it isn't like the subject voluntarily got out of the cab after the blowjob was declined. In each case he was kicked out. So the logical conclusion the other drivers should have drawn was that if they declined the blowjob but didn't eject him, he'd have still wanted the ride.

1

Fun_Ad_2814 t1_j5xo8pr wrote

I know this joke as a sketch when you ask the last driver in line to honk and wave at the other drivers (maybe pay him some more money for that)

2

kotpeter t1_j5xtiqq wrote

Hey, it's from the movie "Rabbit without ears" (2007)

2

Blunfarffkinschmuckl t1_j5zkig0 wrote

This is from one of the final scenes in the German movie “Keinohrhasen” with Till Schweiger, 2007. In the movie, he pays the taxi driver much more than asked, just as long as the driver himself waves and gives a thumbs up to the others in the queue.

… just in case anyone is wondering.

2

rodimus147 t1_j5xn2d9 wrote

This would make a great skit. I can just imagine the shit eating grin on the guys face.

1

eattrash_befree t1_j5xs3q3 wrote

where the heck are you finding cabs for $5 these days

1

Aocepson t1_j5z1uyd wrote

"Looks like you got a lot of blow offs today, but at least you found a ride to the station in the end. Bonus points for the thumbs up, though."

1

Dr_Beatdown t1_j5zbe81 wrote

I heard this joke years ago.

It's still pretty funny.

1

kogger t1_j5zh7ro wrote

I've only joined this sub in the last few weeks and this is the funniest joke I've read to date.

1

nachomaama t1_j5zrmk7 wrote

Two neighbors out for their evening walk. They see a dog laying in his front yard licking his balls. First neighbor says"I wish I could do that" Second neighbor says " Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

1

greenfireX t1_j6087q9 wrote

That's enough of r/Jokes for today

1

QuirkyParakeet367 t1_j6mqdkx wrote

Hey, that comes from the 2007 film "Rabbit without ears"

1

minnesotamiracle t1_j5xktfi wrote

As a dude I thought the joke teller was a lady, figured it out towards the end.

0

MisterBill58 t1_j5ya0ji wrote

So, get your stupidity right when something Is Rank it Stinks!

−1

Jewggerz t1_j5y35vz wrote

Thumbs down on this joke.

−3

Peace_Is_Coming t1_j5uszxl wrote

They probably thought the taxi driver was going to give you a blow job lol !!!

−58

joey2scoops t1_j5y8o45 wrote

Thought this comment was better than the joke 🤣

2