Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan.

Submitted by revolut1onname t3_122k7dd in Jokes

So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?

"Check for bees." he responded.

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Comments

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qhaqan t1_jdqkiyw wrote

‟So I kicked her in the pussy”

510

regrettablyold t1_jdr15wz wrote

They just let you do it when you're a celebrity.

197

[deleted] t1_jdswqef wrote

[removed]

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palebluedotcitizen t1_jdtj6n9 wrote

I first heard this about 40 years ago but slightly different.

"In days of old when knights were bold and women weren't invented, knights drilled holes in telegraph poles and had to be contented."

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Smart_Interaction_34 t1_jds1k9l wrote

lol quoting a traitor is low even for /jokes

Y’all right. Jackassed and unnecessary here.

−81

DarkEnergy27 t1_jdspcmq wrote

What the fuck are you on about

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[deleted] t1_jdsphnw wrote

[removed]

−17

DarkEnergy27 t1_jdspnz6 wrote

Ah. And you think you're better than them?

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[deleted] t1_jdspr3c wrote

[removed]

−8

DarkEnergy27 t1_jdsq54u wrote

Let me get this straight: Do you believe everyone who supported/supports Trump is completely evil, traitorous, and despicable? Even if they've not done anything wrong in his name?

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regrettablyold t1_jdsk9p2 wrote

Sorry.

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[deleted] t1_jdsl7sz wrote

[removed]

−9

regrettablyold t1_jdsysr8 wrote

Thank you for your service. I'm with you. I like "shitgibbon".

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Smart_Interaction_34 t1_jdsyzhs wrote

Service. Yeah probably won’t matter soon. I won’t fit in well in Gilead. If the CNP/ADF gets its way, America will be a fascist theocracy.

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MushyP06 t1_jdsz2fp wrote

Holy SHIT bro got ratioed.

−1

Smart_Interaction_34 t1_jdt0si9 wrote

Yeah Reddit is actually right leaning outside the straight up anti fascist circles.

All the gaming subs lean hard alt-right

−5

MushyP06 t1_jdt19ih wrote

Personally never noticed but then again those places aren’t often ones of political “discussions”.

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Smart_Interaction_34 t1_jdt2lew wrote

Mention anything accepting of like LGBT people in /gaming and they’ll ratio you as hard as /conservative would.

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MushyP06 t1_jdt3rme wrote

Really? Thats kinda fucked, I know the gaming world isn’t known for their welcoming communities of which I have an in depth first hand experience but goddamn that seems a bit much.

−1

Smart_Interaction_34 t1_jdt3x4o wrote

Oh no not at all, they’re pretty much all alt-right “free Andrew Tate” incels if we’re being blunt.

Fucks sake the game Celeste is LOVED but when the person who made it said it’s about them and being trans, they had to lock the thread, due to the onslaught of transphobic comments.

/Minecraft got mad because the new chat system doesn’t let them spam the N word & antisemitic shit any more. That’s not what they say they’re mad about but that’s what they’re actually mad about.

Gamergate is basically still alive and well.

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MushyP06 t1_jdt5y1m wrote

Yeah that minecraft one is too true but personally I have seen a few actual problems with the new filter system, particularly that in some places it is far too sensitive to regular words and in others it in some ways facilitates unnecessary shadow banning, not that i play minecraft much anymore, most of my friends are busy or elsewhere.

1

Dakkendoofer t1_jdt0ukv wrote

Oh no, people on the internet disagreed with him on a very divisive issue. What ever will he do? How will he recover from this?

−6

MushyP06 t1_jdt14qu wrote

Probably try to cancel them but then get no u’ed with some racist comment he also made 8 years ago

−5

Dakkendoofer t1_jdt1l85 wrote

The people within 5 miles of you are infinitely more important in your life than anyone on the internet. I hope you can learn that, if you haven’t already.

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MushyP06 t1_jdt3lv0 wrote

Oh yeah I’m well aware, 99% of the people on this system i couldn’t give a shit about, unfortunately my location puts those important to me at a bit more than 5 miles but the point holds.

Oh and sidenote, that excluded 1% includes mostly people like yourself who can bare to have a basic coherent and sensible conversation with someone like myself, and within that one percent are the small group of 10 who i regularly play games or talk with more privately, they are also quite important.

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Dakkendoofer t1_jdt3r72 wrote

Wherever you are, I hope you have a good week and your neighbors enrich your life

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MushyP06 t1_jdt64xr wrote

Hey you too man, although to be truthful my right side neighbours are pricks and are more likely to plunder than enrich. (I know that’s not what you mean but fUnNy).

As for my general location, I am in a place that is fond of tea and crumpets and has excessively discoloured teeth, and by extension a place where a should really go to sleep because it’s nearly 1:15. So I bid you farewell for the time being.

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Dakkendoofer t1_jdv6xt1 wrote

Lol, yeah, I hear ya. Well hey, if not them, hopefully a little further down the road

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llkkdd t1_jdtam5e wrote

I'd bet anything 99% of people downvoting you aren't trump supporters. That quote was a bad moment for him that isn't something republicans are going to randomly bring up.

−2

Smart_Interaction_34 t1_jdtaq5z wrote

I’ve seen them bring it up as a point of pride.

They LIKE that he’s like that, because they’re like that. Conservatives are like school in the summertime, no class.

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llkkdd t1_jdtd2ro wrote

But what makes you think everyone who didn't think your tangent belonged in the thread is a trump supporter, and what made you go on the tangent that started with mentioning something trump said to continue a joke? How confident are you the person you responded to supports trump? Their time on reddit is purely r jokes, dadjokes, and puns. There's no reason to assume they agree with that statement, since most people don't, and especially most who bring it up out of the blue.

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Luked0g44O t1_jds42b8 wrote

At least he didn’t grab her by the pussy without permission.

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stretch3251 t1_jdsy3jl wrote

What is he trying to make the jungle great again?

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Luked0g44O t1_jdtwde5 wrote

That even sounds like it could be African! M’JGA!

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Tru-Queer t1_jduupac wrote

I’ll smoke what he’s smoking, M’jga ganja

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npc_1406 t1_jdt9prk wrote

Guess she didn't have enough Stove Top stuffing

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pasonka t1_jdqk0rp wrote

Tarzan Stupid.

What would squirrel be doing in beaver?

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Orngog t1_jdsahuo wrote

I like how you reference the original joke rather than this poor retelling. Squirrels> bees

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Nobodiisdamnbusiness t1_jdqt11r wrote

This is why men tap/knock on a pussy before we slide in.

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Marquar234 t1_jds290y wrote

Does a gynecologist clack a speculum twice when he picks it up?

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Luked0g44O t1_jds4n21 wrote

What’s the difference between a proctologist and a bartender?

A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

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gianfrat t1_jdqjg9q wrote

That's fair, you only need a squirrel to bite your dick once to always check every hole first.

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[deleted] t1_jdr6fov wrote

[deleted]

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Luked0g44O t1_jds3khx wrote

There once was a man from Nantucket, Who’s dick was so long he could suck it. He said, with a grin, As he reeled back in, If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!

2

revolut1onname OP t1_jds7nz0 wrote

There once was a man named Keith

Who would circumcise boys with his teeth.

He did it not for leisure,

Nor sexual pleasure.

But to get to the cheese underneath.

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seavisionburma t1_jdtt8f2 wrote

There once was a girl from Azores

Who's cunt was all covered in sores

The dogs in the street,

would eat the green meat,

that hung in festoons from her drawers.

−1

ZaphodBeeblebrox2019 t1_jduapfl wrote

There was a young lady from Venus,

whose body was shaped like a penis.

A fellow named Hunt

was shaped like a cunt,

so it all worked out fine, just between us.

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seavisionburma t1_jduc0nx wrote

Fantastic. Love it.

1

ZaphodBeeblebrox2019 t1_jduc42f wrote

I have to confess, though …

That’s freshly stolen off of a Star Trek BBS, lol

1

seavisionburma t1_jducpib wrote

That's okay. I nick all mine from Rodney Rude 😜

1

ZaphodBeeblebrox2019 t1_jduecli wrote

I’ve written a few myself,

But they’re never quite as Delft.

I try to write poetry,

But it turns into pottery.

As a misrhyme falls off the shelf.

2

chunkybeefbombs t1_jduowa5 wrote

In days of old, when knights were bold and toilets were not yet invented, they laid their loads on the side of the road, and walked away contented

2

LegitimateBuilding6 t1_jdqur8y wrote

I heard this one with Crocodile Dundee and a wooden club…

Still funny though 🤣

7

jackofclubs9 t1_jdsysbo wrote

The first time I ever heard this joke (on the school bus and much younger than I should have been), it was told slightly differently, involving a brothel and a Native American. I literally just swapped the word "Indian" with the word "Frankenstein" on subsequent tellings... same joke, instantly not racist.

6

Macca49 t1_jdsfap8 wrote

Tarzan found Jane in the jungle, naked after her clothes were torn off by thorns. They looked at each other for a moment.

‘What is your name?’asked Jane

‘Tarzan’.

‘That’s it?’

Tarzan though for a moment then…

‘Tarzan Of The Jungle.’

Jane nodded. Tarzan then asked…

‘What your name?’

‘Jane’.

Tarzan mused on this. Looked her up and down.

‘What whole name?’

‘Cunt!’

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Sociox t1_jdtedf7 wrote

I think my brains fucked itself from lack of sleep, but I don't get this :S

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ItsWestlight t1_jdtqjqg wrote

The name of her "hole".

Whole name = hole name.

She thinks he's asking what her vagina's called instead of her entire name like she asked him.

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Sociox t1_jdxpiup wrote

Oh, duh. Thank you kind stranger!

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Luked0g44O t1_jds33f6 wrote

I really don’t see what the buzz is all about.

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Luked0g44O t1_jds3yuw wrote

The word is legs. Keep spreading the word.

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HaoshokuArmor t1_jds7avi wrote

That’s why foreplay was invented. You finger her first to make sure it’s safe to put your junk in there.

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post-gpt t1_jdswtgk wrote

It seems Tarzan misunderstood the birds and the bees.

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post-gpt t1_jdstaah wrote

I can't help but wonder if Tarzan's way of life in the jungle didn't leave much room for learning about sex. Although I'm not sure this is the type of lesson Jane had in mind!

1

Purplelover188 t1_jdurc1y wrote

"his considerable manhood"

We're living for the detailed description

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curious9218 t1_jdzmd88 wrote

Posted a month back by me,got no more than 10 upvotes and there was a squirrel instead of bees,which i think is funnier.

0

[deleted] t1_jdrllbt wrote

[removed]

−22

PickleRicksFunHouse t1_jdrowkq wrote

How do you reconcile believing the "King James" version of the bible is supposedly the "word of god" when it is very clearly and demonstrably a book that has been repeatedly mistranslated and purposefully altered by a politician to serve their very terrestrial, non-religious purposes?

I mean, it's literally called the King James VERSION, meaning it is no longer (if it ever was) the word of god. How do you just ignore the clear fact that it is obviously just a book written by people for their own personal gain?

Genuinely interested.

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DaFunkyCake t1_jdtgrd2 wrote

When I speak a word an image usually forms in your head, this is the concept of the word, when you have the wrong image it is called a misconception. I think they're people who are under the illusory that when the people of England asked their King when in response to what they wanted "translate the bible" they were disingenuous in their pursuit, rather I think much goes misheard and unheard in the text due to lazy thinking producing limitations in people's perception, and in some cases the chicanery of supercilious individuals intent on sophistry. When someone says "ask it shall be given unto you;" in Matthew 7:7 all that is to be conveyed to you is yet to have been reported, the very next line is seek and you shall find, and my best interpretation of studying the language of the time, and the original greek is seek to see what my word says about it, that in this one verse alone a huge misrepresentation is possible by leaving out key contextual information. The book was written as a letter and piece of legislation from an eternal government. Even though the sentence has ended the very next thing is modifying and clarifying the intent of the author, and that is not even the whole verse. Matthew 7:7 "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:" The opening line in Jesus's preaching, when he began to preach is "repent the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand." See. Matthew 4:17 Repent: to change your mind, to change your ways to believe in Jesus and what he said who is himself equated as being the New Testament itself and the Word, message, and Logos: λόγος of the Living God Elohim. (See John 1:1 & 14) Note: When someone asks for forgiveness at each point in the past you did something wrong you wish you had done the right thing. There is a repetitious phrase repeated throughout the four gospels "The Kingdom of Heaven is like" that in the parables of the Kingdom if I take God seriously, with time and the grace of God by meditating on the stories I should in time come to an assertation about the meaning it portrays and how it applies to the world I live in since the Government of Heaven is forever. One such parable in Luke 11 adds another piece to this multilayered puzzle, that a man because of his "importunity": persistence, and his ability to ask more than once, and to the number necessary, got what he wanted, by knocking on the door of someone's house. I'll share with you I think for most men if I said there is gold at X marks the spot, most will dig a couple of feet and say there is none here he lied to us, stopping themselves; when in actuality 10 feet down a mountain of it existed. Such is the case why few men find life by choosing the narrow road that leads to it, due to the hardness of many hearts preventing some to reify the truth of God properly and for the better into their lives by way of Loving God, and people as themselves. When I look at history, intelligent, cognizant, cooperative humanity has not been around that long, and the advancement in language needed to take place so that when God took the seeds he planted in Abraham, Noah, and Moses a New Covenant, Agreement, and testament could be made so that now the whole world, both Jew and Gentile could be brought in and saved through Jesus his only begotten son, and the intents of God could be made known. Now parts of the Old are germane and applicable but it takes a learned eye to discern what and which. Now, some laugh me to scorn, being incorrigible because they love wickedness and do not love the truth, seeking lawlessness: the working of Iniquity: ἀνομία against God. Read for me... Psalms 1 Matthew 4:4 Proverbs 4:7 Isaiah 28:9-10 James 3:16, John 3:16

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PickleRicksFunHouse t1_jdtixy0 wrote

Dude, the people of England didn't ask King James to translate the bible for them. They already had translated bibles.

James made changes to the bible that served his purposes, legitimized laws and rules he passed, and hmfiether cemented his rule. It was not a case of a king giving his people an acceptable gospel. It was a case of an unpopular ruler changing a religion for his own self-serving purposes.

You really ought to learn the truth of the things you base your life on.

1