The rectum stretcher

Submitted by Siosal01 t3_123i1eo in Jokes

Just as a car crosses over a bridge, a cop jumps out from behind a bush and signals the driver to the pull over. The cop walks over to the car window and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

The driver responds "No sir I do not, but it couldn't have been much faster than 50...""Actually..." says the cop "you were driving 62 in a 55 zone. I'm going to need to see your license and registration."

So the driver hands over the documentation and as the cop is writing out the ticket he asks "What can I put down as your profession?" to which the driver responds "I'm a rectum stretcher officer".

Stunned, the cop says "What the hell is a rectum stretcher???" and the driver begins explaining:

"Well, you see, first I lubricate the anus and insert a finger. Once it has accepted my digit with ease I insert a second, then a third and eventually work my way up to an entire fist. When I have achieved this I begin inserting my other hand, finger by finger until I have both fists in the rectum and it is then that I start gently pulling, tugging and stretching it, wider and wider until the anus is around 6 foot in diameter."

Pale as a ghost and clearly in shock the police officer asks "What the hell would anyone do with a 6 foot asshole????"

​

to which the driver responds:

"Well usually you put him behind a bush at the end of a bridge with a speed camera."

572

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

liquidlesspaper t1_jdur0zs wrote

And that is how got a slander misdemeanor added to my speeding ticket!

14

hairybogwoppit t1_jdwx0vm wrote

I couldn't be arsed to read till the end, a bummer as i 'll never know if it was funny.

−7

416e6479 t1_jdxy0u1 wrote

I've told this joke a few times from the first person perspective (a story about where I was getting a ticket). You would be amazed by the look of shock on people's faces and the questions like "what did the cop say?"

3

dr_octagon1984 t1_jdz7fj0 wrote

I read this joke in a 1996 Playboy. They couldn't print "anus", which ruined the joke.

1

Calavente t1_jdzewms wrote

insult to agent : new ticket... or even "go to jail"

1

DogeHasNoName t1_jdzr6i6 wrote

Replying to peter_the_martian (#2,399,174)

Come to Switzerland where you’re fined if you exceed the speed limit for 3 km/h (about 1.8mph - that’s a maximum allowed to take into account the margin of error of speedometers) by an automatic speed radar, which are also not marked by road signs, and you’ll also be fined if you share the radar locations. And there’s a plenty of mobile radars that the police moves around now and then.

1