I hope not. I hope you can find happiness in life. Or at least peace. I'm not qualified to advise you, certainly not to judge. Please think of those that love you. I don't know if you're a parent, but you're certainly a child of someone. I've always heard parents say, "I'd die for my child! Or I'd kill for my child!" And I always think, sometimes the hardest thing is to live for your child. Don't know if this relates, don't know why I said it. I wish you the best.