I went through a divorce, of a nine year relationship. I gave her the divorce, because I didn’t want to add additional emotion to a situation that was clear, the clarity was that she did not want to be with me. She had an affair, and I wanted to continue working on it, but she claimed she didn’t have the energy to continue. Aside from feeling like I was dying, physically, and mentally, I did have some thoughts of suicide. I got mostly past it, but still some lingering pain.

Here are the things that got me by:

1. time will ultimately help heal, but it’s not the only thing that will heal the pain. You need to do the work required to learn from the situation. As you learn from the situation, you’ll actually pick up some useful tools, and you’ll have the realization of those tools, and how you can apply them to all relationships in life. Those tools are invaluable, and that will make you happy.

2. ask for help. One of the things that was helpful, was to have someone present and witnessing my pain, and witnessing me crying, and constantly telling me that “it will be OK, this will pass”. You can’t go through it alone, mainly because bitterness and resentfulness will creep in and rob you of your joy for longer than it needs to. Have a strong and positive circle of people. People who start degrading or trash talking your ex, although might feel good, will increase hate in your heart. It has the possibility of making you vengeful, which is allowing the situation to take your heart. You are too good to let that happen, even if the breakup feels like it’s your fault. Don’t let hate or vengefulness creep in.

3. self reflection is Paramont. However, self reflection isn’t so you can blame yourself endlessly. That is not the point. If you self reflect on what you did wrong in the relationship, because both parties have a role in the relationship, it will teach you what you can do right for future relationships. It can also teach you how to look for red flags, not red flags in the person, but red flags in a sense of questioning whether you should go into a relationship with a specific individual. Although I loved my ex wife so much, I started to realize many red flags of the relationship through self reflection. self reflection can also serve to learn how to communicate with various types of personality and human beings.

4. learn to take care of yourself. Being out in nature, going for walks, staring at the beach while the waves crash, a simple coffee on your deck…..if you take care of yourself in the simplest ways, simple pleasures start showing you how beautiful life is. You can go work out, but that will only bring in so much balance. Learn to sit in your pain and let the pain go through your body, and after it goes through, and after you cry, go do something simple that gives you simple joy. I found that when I did some thing that was too joyful, like bungee jumping or going on a vacation with the guys, it filled me up with a lot of joy, and a lot of instant happiness at the time, but when I got back to reality, it came crashing down pretty hard. Simple joys of life, help me stay a little more stable and balanced while I healed.

5. understand vulnerability is not weakness, it’s actually a strength. Sharing how deeply you are injured emotionally because of the break up helps other in pain open up too. We all feel like we have to demonstrate we have it together and that we are tough, but everyone carries life’s weight. Helping other through pain sharing helping will bring you a nice, unique and helpful way of seeing a purpose in all of this mess.

At least this is what helped me. I hope it helps you.