I went through a long period of this exact problem, when I realized I was motivating myself through self-abuse. Worse, I realized that this was inherited self-abuse- i.e. I had chosen to abuse myself because someone else or the culture as a whole was telling me that this was how motivation worked.

It actually took me something like 3 years of being relatively listless and unable to function as I'd previously known myself and then I much later discovered the ideas of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation.

Many of us have intrinsic motivation, but need extrinsic structures to assist us and help focus our own goals into reasonable action- i.e. extrinsic motivation.

I was talking to one of my longtime coaching client of mine about exactly this in the last couple of days- when we get REALLY imbalanced into the extrinsic motivation, we might not realize that we internalize that to such a degree it becomes negative, and we then lose track of our intrinsic drive for things. So instead of the healthy guide extrinsic systems- or even lifestyle inertia- create for us, it becomes a form of self-abuse, creating negative self-talk, and inner criticism.

I'm suggesting you choose against that, and get support by someone on a regular basis to continue making compassionate but firm choices for your own goals and intrinsic motivations- so you can re-connect with them and have them work in alignment.

I did an unfinished graphic about this as a part of a larger system I have that tries to illustrate the problem: https://imgur.com/a/PXAoggw

It can go so far as we create a kind of separate personality we use against ourselves and call it "motivation", when it's just a kind of unconscious extrinsic motivation, that you employ to "force" yourself out of bed or to the gym, etc. Do that long enough, that breaking that cycle can seem ungrounding and you can be lost as I was for a while.

I created a very detailed system called Creating Virtuous Cycles for this that is beyond the scope of this comment, and during the creation of this <website soon to come> system, I've noticed deeper and deeper aspects to it.

Motivation can also be problematic in our ADHD-inducing lifestyle or for people like myself with neurodiverse minds. I created an (unfinished) graphic about this: https://imgur.com/gallery/hkCQS3h about overstimulation vs. understimulation. Parts of this graphic were based in the Attention Cycle I found. Credit is in the graphic: https://imgur.com/a/Ao9lV6K

In that three years, I basically resolved to stay in the moment and handle things instead with compassion. I recommend self-compassion.org with science-supported methods for learning how to create that and replace negative self-talk with compassion.

The point is that it's good you are asking for help with this, and having an accountability partner with whom you can learn healthier ways to motivate yourself.

Let me know if I can help.