Consciously, I feel pretty unaffected by being alone. I have been for years. No friends close enough where I can be 100% myself; the only one who really knows me right now is me. And I thought that I was fine with that, but recently a friend gave me a really long hug when I was stressed out, and I remembered how much I love being deeply connected with others. I think that I was living in a state of constant alertness and skittishness, where I was constantly having to be the only one to watch my back, and it was exhausting in a way that I didn’t realize until the weight was removed and I realized that I can trust other other people to look out for me. I had been living an “every man for himself” mentality, and it turns out that I desperately need to rely on others and be relied on to cultivate a sense of safety and security; not necessarily romantic relationships, but platonic ones.

I don’t like being alone anymore because I don’t enjoy my own thoughts. But therapy and meditation have definitely improved that already.