Hope you achieve your transformation and goal soon my friend. You aren't alone, there are people like you in the world. We do think of the past and try to become better, start now and have consistency so you can grow in the right way. Keep in mind, some small improvement daily is better than none and at the same time there will be days where you'll be down, don't give up yet, just think that you have a stranger here who is rooting for your success.