Hi, I'm sorry. You're struggling and I don't think a few words online would help. I'd seriously suggest finding a counselor to talk about these feelings if you can. However, having had these exact feelings, I can tell you a trick that worked for me. I am a firm believer in science and the scientific way. Scientific studies have shown that neuroplasticity is an undisputed fact. This means that at any age, your brain can and does change embedded habits- as long as you keep ignoring old (bad) habits and repeating the new (good) ones. This isn't an opinion, it is absolute fact. So when the voice in your brain or the miserable jerks in your life try to act like know it alls and pull you down, just remember - YOU ARE NEUROPLASTIC. Change is the only thing that is constant in the universe. Change is essential to all life forms. It's stagnation that is unnatural and leads to destruction. Go forward and shine your light, friend and may you get stronger and better every year.